Solidarity not solitariness

I don’t know who created this image but, it’s always resonated with me because it illustrates the profound loneliness I used to feel while surrounded by my family members.

With so many other victims out there, it really pains me to think how much I was in complete agony all by myself – for decades. I kept myself alone while trying to grapple with the gut-wrenching realities of my father’s abuse. I was honest about the fact that it happened once I reached adulthood but, I kept secret just how badly the trauma shook up every part of me. I felt embarrassed about the depth of my pain. I felt shameful of my overwhelming anger. I thought my struggle would be too scary for others to hear about it so, I hid it to protect them. (My biological family has always insisted that they couldn’t handle hearing the truth about my horrors so, I assumed the rest of the world saw themselves as psychologically fragile too). It’s been a simple but, big lesson for me (and continues to be): plenty of people on this planet aren’t afraid of the dark. People who read my blog are proof of that.

The other simple yet, profoundly hard-won lesson for me has been that if I’m not ashamed, those who want to listen don’t experience any survivor shame about sexual abuse either. All the painful walls of separation that I experienced disappeared once I stopped taking responsibility for the sins and reactions of others. I wish I could go back in time and tell my former self that navigating mind-blowing trauma alone is unnecessary. Thankfully, addressing my own shame about being a sexual abuse survivor continues to close that gap. It’s easier said than done when I’m in the grips of a flashback but, as soon as I’m able, I push myself to tell a loved one all about it. So far, every time, the more courageous I am about being frank and honest about what I lived through and how it affects me now, the more deeply connected I feel to everything.

I don’t care about how much you weigh. I only care about your happiness.

My Gift of Fear

This is a video clip of me, in a self-defense class, practicing how to fend off an attacker. The male instructors in this class wear heavily padded suits so, that we can hit specific target areas as hard as we can. This intro class taught me how to defend myself not just physically in an actual assault but, also verbally so, I could practice over and over again how to keep myself feeling safe and comfortable in a variety of life situations (at work, with people I know, with people who set off my internal “red flag”, and strangers I’d just rather not associate with). As you can see in the video, I might not be executing smooth looking attack moves like we’re used to seeing in movies and on TV but, even as a total novice, I am hitting all the essential targets that would incapacitate someone who was assaulting me.

Taking these classes was very powerful for someone like me who was abused as a child and walked around for the rest of my life half terrified of being victimized again one day and doing all that I could to ease that intense fear. I’d thought about taking a self-defense class to put some peace into my traumatized body but, was scared of what flash backs (emotional, visual, sensory) it might bring up. I read Gavin De Becker’s The Gift of Fear (which I highly recommend to everybody – particularly women) and he recommends IMPACT Personal Safety in his book. I won’t lie, taking these classes is scary – probably even for those who have never been victimized (you will learn how fight off someone who is trying to rape you). It does put you face to face with some of your worst fears but, the training methods IMPACT Personal Safety uses establishes muscle memory in your body so, that in a threatening situation (whether you want to say no to someone or no to an actual attack), you can quickly overcome the “freeze” response and establish your boundaries with that person(s) and take them down. I seriously can’t say enough positive things about the male and female instructors who couldn’t have provided a better environment to learn such vulnerable lessons in. Feel free to message me if you want to ask me any questions about my experience, there’s so much more I could say about it – and of course, there’s detailed information about the classes they offer for women and men on their website: http://www.impactpersonalsafety.com. They also offer safety classes for kids. I assisted in teaching one of the children’s classes – and I can’t recommend them enough to my friends who are parents.

For me, taking these classes has been the literal antidote to some of my childhood trauma and the fear of being re-traumatized in the future. Now I’m truly comfortable being present and grounded, whether I feel like someone is trying to behave like a predator around me or not. And I feel really confident. And I feel very powerful. And now I can say I know what I’d do if someone violently verbally or physically attacked me. And the experience of taking these classes has profoundly bettered every part of my life in ways I never would have expected so, I just had to share it in case it helps any of you to feel safer in the world too.

 

It’s ok to let them see you sweat.

It’s ok babe! Let them see you sweat!

Let them see your hands trembling.

Let them hear your voice cracking when you tell them what you need.

Let them see you be unable to keep direct eye contact with them the entire time you’re speaking to them.

I can assure you that these are the phrases that I have had to repeat to myself ad nauseum throughout my life when I knew I wanted to say no to someone. I visually might look like the world’s biggest wimp stumbling over my words and giant pit stains forming under my arms while I confront someone but, I just keep feeling the fear and asserting myself anyway.  Because in my life, this has what worked for me to get to a place where I’m more comfortable stating what’s ok with me: allowing it to be obvious to all involved just how scared I am to be putting my foot down. Not to mention repeatedly reminding myself that it’s ok for other people to see me do something imperfectly. It’s REALLY hard for me to let others see me taking baby steps (or giant adult steps) towards setting my boundaries in my professional and personal lives. But, weirdly enough, I’ve gotten used to the extreme awkwardness of attempting to tell someone that what they’re doing doesn’t feel right to me. Many people have witnessed my grossly imperfect attempts throughout my life and I’m still here! I survived! And because I continue to throw myself into the fire each time it truly has gotten easier. I always dread doing it. And I hate it every time. But my confidence has grown with each and every situation. Sometimes a certain predicament triggers me so badly that I feel like I’m back to square one but, more often than not these days, saying no to someone else flows out of me pretty fluidly, calmly, and confidently. Taking the sweaty route of self-care has, and definitely continues to be, what propels me into feeling more powerful, peaceful, and a greater sense of living as a whole person. I’m a brave person who is proud to show the lucky few her shaking hands attempting to keep her heart beating out of her chest.

Actively Parenting My Inner Child – Part 1

 

I live in the United States and this past week I got called to serve jury duty.  While this is a totally benign process, I found myself growing increasingly terrified in the days prior to showing up on my first day at the Superior Court House.  I suspected that my anxiety probably revolved around the reality that you are asked to answer very personal questions when being considered as a prospective juror.  Every time I thought about responding to the question “Have you ever been a victim of a violent crime?” my heart would race and my mind would go blank.  On the morning of my first day serving jury duty, I could feel all my muscles tensing up as I walked into the lobby of the courthouse.  I found myself looking around for signs from those around me who might appear to be relaxed and not at all triggered by being inside the Superior Court but, instead what I saw were a mother and her three young children sobbing in the corner while their lawyer stared at them looking annoyed, frustrated police officers, and nervous looking witnesses pacing back and forth.  In hindsight, this scene I just painted for you should have tipped me off that this was no place to bring a small child – a small child who at one time would have been scared of naming her abuser in the criminal justice system because it might lead to her father seeking revenge for being outed as a pedophile, and being separated from her mom and brother by Child Protective Services.  But, I didn’t think of myself as a mother of an abused little girl (my inner child) that morning, and I didn’t think to metaphorically leave her at home where she would feel safe and being doing child appropriate things.  Instead, I spent the rest of the following days freaking the fuck out as I went through the process of jury selection because I unwittingly was letting my inner child run the show.  Has this ever happened to you?   Were you ever in a situation where you found yourself completely mentally wound up, with the emotions of a cranky child with no understanding of why you wanted to scream, cry, or throw yourself on the ground?  When this happens to me I realize I’ve got an inner child whose been triggered by my present adult circumstances – and she definitely isn’t having any of it!  And what’s worse is that while serving jury duty I exposed her to upsetting adult situations that felt threatening to her but, I didn’t take the time to explain any of it in a way that would soothe a terrified 5-year-old.  Look, I know when I tell you that I wish I had imagined leaving my inner child at home instead of bringing her to court, this is all just taking place in my imagination but, it FEELS so real.  And the  results and repercussion of this metal exercise also feel totally real.  Which is why I now opt to take being a loving, responsible parent to my metaphorical inner children very, very seriously.  When I know in advance that I’ll be in a situation that only my adult self should be present for, I now imagine having my inner daughter stay and be “babysat” by my husband or one of my phenomenal friends.  This allows me to be, think, and feel with my whole adult self during conversations with a difficult co-worker without my 11-year-old self offering up 11 year solutions to an adult argument.  This allows me to show up as a prospective juror for a trial and answer difficult questions in an intimidating environment with my 39-year-old analytical skills rather than the rational of a 7-year-old.  When I let one of my inner children take the wheel I – and the situation I’m in – get completely sidetracked by a child capable of making sense of the situation only from their state in arrested development.

 

Oh worry…. I love you so much..

You ceaselessly try to keep me safe and acceptable – and I really do appreciate your efforts.  But when I observe the consequences of my believing everything you say, I’m left feeling small, alone, and deprived of possibilities.    The toll I see you taking on me not just mentally, but physically as well is painful – how is chronic neck tension helpful?  I know you’re just doing what you do best but, you make me feel depleted not inspired.   Thanks so much for all that you try to do for me but, now I want to try seeing the present moment through my own eyes instead of yours.