Solidarity not solitariness

I don’t know who created this image but, it’s always resonated with me because it illustrates the profound loneliness I used to feel while surrounded by my family members.

With so many other victims out there, it really pains me to think how much I was in complete agony all by myself – for decades. I kept myself alone while trying to grapple with the gut-wrenching realities of my father’s abuse. I was honest about the fact that it happened once I reached adulthood but, I kept secret just how badly the trauma shook up every part of me. I felt embarrassed about the depth of my pain. I felt shameful of my overwhelming anger. I thought my struggle would be too scary for others to hear about it so, I hid it to protect them. (My biological family has always insisted that they couldn’t handle hearing the truth about my horrors so, I assumed the rest of the world saw themselves as psychologically fragile too). It’s been a simple but, big lesson for me (and continues to be): plenty of people on this planet aren’t afraid of the dark. People who read my blog are proof of that.

The other simple yet, profoundly hard-won lesson for me has been that if I’m not ashamed, those who want to listen don’t experience any survivor shame about sexual abuse either. All the painful walls of separation that I experienced disappeared once I stopped taking responsibility for the sins and reactions of others. I wish I could go back in time and tell my former self that navigating mind-blowing trauma alone is unnecessary. Thankfully, addressing my own shame about being a sexual abuse survivor continues to close that gap. It’s easier said than done when I’m in the grips of a flashback but, as soon as I’m able, I push myself to tell a loved one all about it. So far, every time, the more courageous I am about being frank and honest about what I lived through and how it affects me now, the more deeply connected I feel to everything.

Stay strong and shameless fellow survivors.

Lady Gaga, center, performs “Til It Happens To You” that is nominated for best original song from “The Hunting Ground” on stage with survivors of abuse at the Oscars on Sunday, Feb. 28, 2016, at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. (Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP)

I never imagined the day would come when, on such a public forum as the Oscars, sexual assault survivors would be acknowledged and supported. This gives me such a profound sense of hope for the future because the Oscars has such international reach. I’m also haunted by the large portion of my life that I suffered in silence, assuming all the guilt and shame, reeling from my trauma alone. I feel a sea-change in the smaller, older part of me that is so used to absorbing all the guilt. “It’s ok to live fully out in the open now!” that part of me is screaming. As much vapidness the Oscars typically represents in its’content, I have to give them credit for reaching the part of me that was still living in the dark past. Hooray for all of us who witnessed such a large scale proclamation in support of those who have suffered from what no person should ever have to live through.

Non-stop

My body has already endured so much abuse. The last thing I want to do is to continue to cause it anymore harm. And the time has come for me to admit how much negative self-talk I give my physical appearance. I feel really proud about who I am on the inside but, all that disappears when I notice the ways I physically differ on the outside. All the relentless body shaming I do is so hypocritical because I would never even come up with such thoughts if I was talking about another human being! I could sincerely care less about how much someone else weighs so, why am I constantly telling myself that I should be ashamed of how much I weigh? I can genuinely say I’ve never thought of someone else looking their age as a negative thing so, why am I beating myself up for my own aging skin?! It’s particularly fucked up and ridiculous that I do this because I don’t even subscribe to my culture’s ideas of physical beauty. And like I said before, I definitely don’t deserve such torment. My body already knows shame, rejection, and pain so, I  really don’t want to contribute any more to that suffering. To love, appreciate, and adore my body on a daily basis for the rest of my life – it’s the least I can do after all it’s been through – and it’s the truth. How can I condemn my abuser’s behavior when I’m psychologically being cruel to myself by only paying attention to perceived physical flaws throughout the day?

For a long time I’ve been working on treating myself with the same deep acceptance and compassion that I give others – but, this year I would really like to focus on fully embracing my physical self as well. It’s not easy being a woman when so often it feels like we get judged solely based on our looks. I’m going to stop contributing to that bullshit and start doing some non-stop recognizing all the ways I am a beauty.

I don’t care about how much you weigh. I only care about your happiness.

My shame or their shame?

The shame and responsibility of being abused by my father lies 100% with my father. This probably sounds like extremely simple math to you but, for me it has been the biggest mental exercise I’ve ever wrangled with. Blaming myself was only reinforced by the fact that my father did not hold himself accountable for his actions nor did anyone else in my family after I told them what he had done. For so so so long I believed in my bones that I am responsible for the hurtful behavior committed by other people. I felt their shame for them. I felt and processed all the guilt for their actions. I used to be an expert at not knowing where I end and other people begin. I literally didn’t know what holding people accountable for their actions looked like, sounded like, or felt like. For most of my life that was just a vague concept I read about – and one that only applied to other (more deserving) people. Undoing this life long habit of disrespecting myself has taken monumental, diligent self-awareness. Discovering how to set boundaries in a way that feels authentic to me has taken a lot of trial and error and awkward moments. If the way I described how I used to be in the past resonates with you at all, please know that I am living proof that a person can overcome deeply ingrained, self-destructive habits. I have to mention here that the process of breaking through to the other side can be a life-long journey for some issues. Some of my worst thought patterns could have been handed down generation after generation so, I stay busy being compassionate and gentle with myself as I try to turn those tides. Intense anger has also really helped me out with seeing how unjustified most of my self-blame has been – and how much of a toll it has taken on my already wounded life. So many of us have carried around back breaking self-hate that belonged solely to someone else – to our abusers. If parts of your path have been anything like mine, I hope you start experiencing what feels true and loving to you alone, right now. We have suffered enough already.

My Gift of Fear

This is a video clip of me, in a self-defense class, practicing how to fend off an attacker. The male instructors in this class wear heavily padded suits so, that we can hit specific target areas as hard as we can. This intro class taught me how to defend myself not just physically in an actual assault but, also verbally so, I could practice over and over again how to keep myself feeling safe and comfortable in a variety of life situations (at work, with people I know, with people who set off my internal “red flag”, and strangers I’d just rather not associate with). As you can see in the video, I might not be executing smooth looking attack moves like we’re used to seeing in movies and on TV but, even as a total novice, I am hitting all the essential targets that would incapacitate someone who was assaulting me.

Taking these classes was very powerful for someone like me who was abused as a child and walked around for the rest of my life half terrified of being victimized again one day and doing all that I could to ease that intense fear. I’d thought about taking a self-defense class to put some peace into my traumatized body but, was scared of what flash backs (emotional, visual, sensory) it might bring up. I read Gavin De Becker’s The Gift of Fear (which I highly recommend to everybody – particularly women) and he recommends IMPACT Personal Safety in his book. I won’t lie, taking these classes is scary – probably even for those who have never been victimized (you will learn how fight off someone who is trying to rape you). It does put you face to face with some of your worst fears but, the training methods IMPACT Personal Safety uses establishes muscle memory in your body so, that in a threatening situation (whether you want to say no to someone or no to an actual attack), you can quickly overcome the “freeze” response and establish your boundaries with that person(s) and take them down. I seriously can’t say enough positive things about the male and female instructors who couldn’t have provided a better environment to learn such vulnerable lessons in. Feel free to message me if you want to ask me any questions about my experience, there’s so much more I could say about it – and of course, there’s detailed information about the classes they offer for women and men on their website: http://www.impactpersonalsafety.com. They also offer safety classes for kids. I assisted in teaching one of the children’s classes – and I can’t recommend them enough to my friends who are parents.

For me, taking these classes has been the literal antidote to some of my childhood trauma and the fear of being re-traumatized in the future. Now I’m truly comfortable being present and grounded, whether I feel like someone is trying to behave like a predator around me or not. And I feel really confident. And I feel very powerful. And now I can say I know what I’d do if someone violently verbally or physically attacked me. And the experience of taking these classes has profoundly bettered every part of my life in ways I never would have expected so, I just had to share it in case it helps any of you to feel safer in the world too.

 

Stay strong fellow survivors – we have nothing to feel ashamed about.

I just read the article in New York Magazine “I’m No Longer Afraid: 35 Women Tell Their Stories About Being Assaulted by Bill Cosby, and the Culture That Wouldn’t Listen” by Noreen Malone. As a survivor of sexual assault during my childhood, I understand all too well the monumental task of healing from this kind of trauma. Shame and silence have only ever exacerbated my wounds. For me, it’s antidote has always come in the form of proudly sharing the truth about what I’ve experienced and the road I’ve taken to heal from it.

Here is the link to the article if you are interested in seeing the article and the powerful photos of 35 of his victims:

 http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/07/bill-cosbys-accusers-speak-out.html?mid=fb-share-thecut